


I Just Wanna Hold You

by fmljustlex



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Cuddling & Snuggling, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Light Angst, M/M, Mild Language, Originally Posted on Tumblr, Pining, Secret Santa, Tumblr: tumblrsecretsanta, vlbjsecretsanta2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-25
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2019-02-20 06:43:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,311
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13141221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fmljustlex/pseuds/fmljustlex
Summary: He revels in the way Justin's jaw drops. “I—what? It was your idea!”“Yeah,” Monty agrees easily. “A dumb one. Zach was right. They both know us too well to ever think we'd go for each other. They'd know something was up.”Justin frowns. “But—”“And,” Monty continues, “I'm pretty sure they wouldn't even get jealous. Well, no, maybe they would, Alex would, he's head over heels for you, but they wouldn't do anything about it. They're too sweet, all ‘I'm happy if you're happy’ bullshit. We're the jealous one. We'd probably just be lessening our chances, really.”~~~Basically 12,000 words of Justin and Monty pining for their guys. It is mutual. It just takes them a while to figure that out.Or, my Secret Santa fic for Kass, and the reason I now ship Meff. A lot. They're really beautiful.





	I Just Wanna Hold You

**Author's Note:**

  * For [I_Ship_It_21](https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Ship_It_21/gifts).



“There’s no way that would work.”  


Monty scowls, flopping down onto the couch. “Why not?” 

“No one, including Jeff, would ever believe I had those feelings for you,” Justin states. Monty’s scowl deepens, and he rolls his eyes.

They were sat in the baseball player’s basement. Monty’s house wasn’t necessarily as fancy as Bryce’s, but Justin couldn’t really say it was anything less either. The basement was their haven anytime they were here. It was decked out fully with couches, coffee table, pool table, TV, and mini fridge. When told to make himself at home, Justin found it entirely too easy.

It was also much safer in the basement, where Monty’s parents decided best to never enter, to partake in their less innocent, more common uses of time.

In other words, the mini fridge had less food, more alcohol.

They had surprisingly not headed straight for it this time, Justin and Zach immediately flopping onto the couch in exhaustion. They had expected Monty to do the same, but instead, he’d come to stand in front of Justin with a serious expression.

Only to make the dumbest suggestion he’d ever heard.

_“We should pretend to date.”_

_Justin only blinked up at him. “What?”_

_“We should pretend to date,” Monty repeated slowly, as if how he’d said it had been the reason for Justin’s confusion._

_Justin looked at him for another minute, before asking, “Why the fuck would we do that?”_

_At this, Monty actually looked distressed. He looked between them, seeming to have an internal debate, before he finally tipped his head back and let out a frustrated groan._

_He turned his gaze back to Justin and blew out a breath. “Because,” he dragged out the word, “I need to make Jeff jealous.”_

That brought them to now, as Monty slouches back into the couch and grumbles. “Nice to know how out of my league you consider yourself.”

“You know that’s not what I meant,” Justin rolls his eyes, looking to Zach for help.

Monty looks at him too, brows raised expectantly, but Zach only shrugs at him. “He’s right. Everyone knows he’s basically in love with Alex, they wouldn’t buy it.”

Justin nods as Monty gives a shrug in agreement, before the words register and he whips his head around to look at Zach. 

“I—what?” Justin sputters. 

Zach turns his gaze to him, raising a brow. “What?”

“I’m not—I’m not ‘in love with Alex’,” he air quotes. “I—that’s just weird. I. What the fuck?”

He isn’t _in love_ with Alex. Sure, they’re pretty close, but it isn’t like _that_ , for chrissake. Alex is maybe his best friend, he’d do anything for the boy. But it isn’t _like that._

He doesn’t have feelings for him, or go around gushing about him and making crazy plans to seduce him like Monty is currently doing.

Zach, however, does not seem to agree. 

“Yeah? Where are you staying tonight?”

Justin scowls, crossing his arms over his chest. He bites down the retort on the tip of his tongue of ‘not at yours, anyway,’ and grits out, “The only thing that means is that Alex is better than you two.”

He shrugs when Zach gives him an unconvinced look, but Monty doesn’t even seem to have heard him.

“We could make them both jealous.”

The other two turn to look at him, Justin’s brow furrowing. “Monty…what?”

“It would work.” Monty sits up in his seat, grinning, eyes bright. “If they thought we were dating, Jeff would get jealous of you, and Alex of me. It would work.”

Justin blinks. “Monty. Did you not hear anything I just said?”

“Why? What did you say?”

Zach chuckles under his breath. “I don’t like Alex,” Justin growls, shooting Zach a glare when the latter scoffs. “Asshole.”

The taller jock ignores him, directing his attention back to Monty. “Why are you trying to make Jeff jealous, anyway?”

Monty frowns at that, shoulders sagging. “The fucking idiot won’t make a move.”

Justin smiles. The relationship is one he hadn’t seen developing the way it has. Jeff and Monty had always been friends, bonding immediately over their love of baseball. Aside from that, they’re both pretty different. While Jeff may be the softest, most easy-going jock Justin has ever met, he’s pulled Monty out of a fair share of fights. Then again, maybe they were just a good example of ‘opposites attract’.

Because they definitely are attracted to each other, even a blind person could see that much. They’re extremely close, affectionate in oblivious flirting—or at least, Justin had thought it was oblivious.

“Why does he have to make the first move? If you’re so confident he’d get jealous then rejection’s hardly the problem,” Justin points out. 

Monty scowls. “I’m not worried about rejection.”

Justin and Zach share a look. “Okay then,” Zach says slowly. “Why don’t you just go for it?”

Monty shrugs. “I dunno. Doesn’t matter. It’s nothing anyways.”

“Monty,” Zach sighs, “it’s Jeff. He’s as obsessed with you as Justin is with Alex.”

“ _I’m not in love with Alex_!”

~~~~~

It’s late when Justin finally leaves Monty’s, and even later when he makes it to Alex’s. The effort of the journey feels less than it used to, helped by the fact he no longer has to carry around his things. His duffel has found a home on Alex’s floor, always open and mostly empty, the majority of his stuff strewn through Alex’s room and the rest of the house.

Instead of going for the door, he heads for the tree outside Alex’s window. He knows he could text Alex to come down and let him in, that the blonde would do so without a single complaint. But the Standalls are kind enough to let him stay with few questions, and he doesn’t want to disturb them. 

He’s been staying with Alex every day he could for months, whether it was with his parents’ knowledge or not. Like when he climbed through the blonde’s open window, much like he was going to do now. 

They’ve been getting closer now for months. All from one night in which Justin hadn’t known where else to go, and had turned up on Alex’s doorstep, hoping someone who wasn’t much more than a classmate at the time would let him stay. 

He had, and it had spiraled from there. 

_Alex took one look at him and gave in, ushering him into the house and feeding him. When they finally got to his room, Alex set out every blanket he could find on the floor next to his bed, along with some of his own pillows._

_He hadn’t once tried to get Justin to talk the entire evening. Only then they crawled into bed, and Alex rolled onto his side and looked down at him. He looked at him with that soft expression and asked, very simply, “Are you okay?”_

_Justin hadn’t been; and for some reason, he was able to tell Alex that. His life story came spilling from his lips, a pathetic one at that, yet Alex didn’t give him a single look of pity._

_Instead he reached down and, very gently, gave Justin’s blanket a light tug. “Come up here,” he offered, quietly._

_Justin debated for a moment, before he grabbed his pillow and slowly got to his feet. He watched as Alex scooted to the far side of the bed and lifted the duvet in an invitation. Justin set his pillow down and slid in next to him, silently letting Alex tug the covers up over them when he was settled._

_His lips twitched as the blonde tucked it under his chin, fingers curling over the edge only an inch away from Justin when he stopped. “Thanks, Standall.”_

_Alex smiled, then, for the first time that night. Small, but real, and Justin felt his heart thrum in content. “Anytime.”_

Since then, Alex has kept true on that promise. When Justin showed up on his doorstep a week later, Alex let him in without a word. Two weeks after that, he’d come late, and drunk. Still, he managed to climb to the blonde’s window and knock on it lightly. Alex had still been awake and he let Justin in quickly, the jock stumbling into the room, to be met with a scolding from the other. 

In fairness, climbing a tree drunk and slightly high after two in the morning wasn’t the best idea he’s ever had.

A few similar (though less dangerous) instances after that, and Alex started leaving his window open for him. Justin had noticed it instantly, and he’d since taken to letting the younger boy know on the—what were coming to be rare—occasions he stayed somewhere else. 

The room’s dark now, and he tries his best not to fall as he slides in through the window. He can make out Alex’s shape on the bed, vaguely see the back of his blonde head. He pulls the window closed and toes of his shoes, shrugging out of his jacket. He strips down to his boxers and T-shirt before crawling into bed, settling behind the other boy. As gently as he can so not to wake him, pulls him back into his chest. 

He smiles in surprise when Alex curls back against him and tangles his fingers through Justin’s where his hand rests against his waist. He’d been awake the whole time.

“If I was a murderer you still would’ve just lay there,” Justin muses. 

From Alex’s scoff Justin can picture his eye roll and the small smile he’d bet is playing on his lips. “Cause a murderer would climb through my window to come spoon me.”

“Well you would’ve been a little late if they got that close, wouldn’t you?”

Alex hums. “Guess I’m lucky it’s just you.”

Justin raises a brow, pouting, even though Alex can’t see him. He pulls him closer and rests his chin on his shoulder, nuzzling his nose against the blonde’s cheek. “ _Just_ me?”

He can feel Alex’s smile now, how it widens. He squeezes his hand softly. “I’m really happy to see you,” he amends.

“You can’t even see me.”

Alex lets out a quiet groan, and Justin reflexively loosens his hold as he starts moving. He wriggles around for a moment and then they’re suddenly face to face. There’s barely an inch between them, and Justin’s heart skips a little at the proximity. 

“Better?” Alex asks sarcastically, brow raised.

Justin grins, ignoring the suddenly rapid pace of his heart. “Always. How could it not be better seeing your pretty face?”

Alex rolls his eyes again, but Justin sees the smile tugging at the corners of his lips. He lifts Justin’s hand from where it had automatically settled against his waist and twines their fingers together again, trailing along the jock’s seemingly subconsciously. It sends a jolt through Justin’s veins, that he again decides to ignore. 

“How was Monty’s?” Alex asks suddenly, looking back up at him. “You aren’t drunk. Or high. What were you guys doing?”

This time it’s Justin who rolls his eyes. “I don’t only hang out with them to get drunk or high.”

“I know,” Alex says defensively, before adding, “you just usually are.”

Justin lets out a surprised laugh that he tries to tamp down when Alex shushes him, even though the blonde’s grinning just as wide. He rolls onto his back and tugs the other boy along with him, and Alex immediately curls into his side, head pillowed against his chest. “Shut up and go to sleep, Standall. Why were you still awake anyway?”

Alex shrugs, pressing close to him. “I was waiting for you.” Justin squeezes him in response.

It’s only a half truth, he knows. Alex doesn’t have the best sleeping habits, but they’ve gotten better since Justin started sleeping next to him. He seems to sleep better then, but Justin thinks it’s a notion he’s got into his head now that he won’t be able to rest peacefully without him there.

Either way, he isn’t about to make any complaints. Alex’s bed is comfy, and he feels his own sense of contentedness when the boy is curled up in his arms. 

His mind drifts back to earlier, and it sinks in suddenly. How much their relationship has changed, grown into something he’s never thought he would have with anyone. He’s been into guys, hooked up with some, but he’s never been as comfortably and carelessly affectionate as he is with Alex. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen Alex be that affectionate with anyone. He thinks back to a moment ago when his heart skipped then raced, when his entire being seemed to sink into a feeling of rightness and calm the moment he stepped into the room.

He thinks over the past few months, takes in how they were at the beginning and how they are now, how close they’re grown. Justin couldn’t go a day without Alex. 

_Because he’s your friend, of course you’re used to being with him,_ he tells himself.

Then Alex snuggles into his chest, and Justin is suddenly aware of the warmth. The streaks of fire that line his body everywhere they touch, but not the kind that are painful, irritating. It’s a grounding one, one that has wrapped gently around his heart, spreading from where Alex’s hand rests lightly atop of it.

Justin stares at the top of his blonde head and thinks, very simply— _fuck_.

~~~~~

Monty breathes a sigh of relief as soon as he slides on to the bench and drops his head down onto his crossed arms. He’d been waiting for lunch all day, anything to get away from doing work and listening to people, his head aching with a constant pounding. It eases slightly now, with his head down and eyes closed, along with the slight queasiness in his stomach.

Justin and Zach had been good company, but not particularly enough, especially after Justin had completely stomped all over his hopes. 

He’d quickly brought out the alcohol, that the two idiots had denied when he offered for them to drink with him, Zach declining just as he usually does. _And Justin because he’s apparently turned into a pussy_ , Monty thinks bitterly.

It isn’t fair of him to, he knows. Justin had turned the offer down casually with a shake of the head, _Nah, I don’t wanna get scolded by Standall again._

Once upon a time their positions would’ve been switched, Justin in an almost constant state of either drunk or high or both. Monty has never been exactly aware of his friend’s problems, but he knew they were big ones, and he gave him a place to stay and a way out of his head with no questions asked. Then, his friendship with Alex had seemingly come out of nowhere and spiraled, the blonde becoming a new, more favourable distraction from his struggles.

Yet neither of the idiots seem to realise they’re in love with each other.

He shouldn’t complain, he knows, can’t. Justin has gotten noticeably better in the short time, even to him, healthier with just the thought of guaranteed food and comfortable sleep. Happier. Monty can’t complain.

But he’s really fucking jealous.

It makes his heart ache to watch how easy it is for them. How comfortable they are in their blissful oblivion, the friendly affection coming naturally to them while they’re unaware of their mutual pining. 

That small, evil part of him can’t wait to see them struggle when they figure it out. 

He tells himself it’s okay to think it, because however much those two pine and flounder, it’ll still work out for them. They’ll still end up together, and everyone will be happy for their happy ending. Everyone will breathe that relieved sigh of ‘about time’, and won’t blink an eye otherwise. 

Alex had been that guy that’s sexuality was always assumed without him having to confirm anything, a fact that has pissed Monty off from the beginning, even if he isn’t, and never has been, particularly close to the blonde. He’d been with guys and girls both, and no one batted an eye. 

Justin’s a different case. When Monty knew him at the beginning, he only ever hooked up with girls. Then one night that changes, with a slightly drunken making out incident, and everyone takes it in stride, some pausing for a moment but most seemingly unsurprised.

Then, Monty…. Well, Monty never really hooks up with anyone. 

There are plenty of people he _could’ve_ hooked up with, definitely plenty that show an interest in _him_. Beautiful people, at that, but he just doesn’t particularly care. He doesn’t see the purpose in being with someone he barely knows for a night only to never see them again. He doesn’t feel the urge to like the others seem to.

So, he doesn’t hook up with anyone, and no one seems to really notice. Those that do don’t care, letting him be without any questions. 

Of course, they expect, if he ever is to hook up with anyone, it’ll be a girl.

He’s pretty sure no one would _mind_ , really, if it wasn’t. But he isn’t sure they would be entirely accepting either. They wouldn’t take to it as well as they did to Justin, because they don’t take to him as well.

That doesn’t change his feelings of wanting to ravish a certain jock in the slightest.

He sighs, massaging his fingers against his temples. He doesn’t remember the last time he had a hangover. How much had he actually drunk?

A shadow falls over him, and the object of both his struggle and his reprieve is suddenly next to him.

Jeff raises his brows at him, eyes raking over his face and lips pulling up in an amused grin. “Looking alive as ever, aren’t we?”

Monty scowls, dropping his head back onto his arms. He isn’t in the mood to deal with his stupid teasing, and stupid grin. Stupid face. 

_Beautiful face._

He sighs internally and mutters a half hearted, “Fuck you, Atkins.”

“Mm, not sure that’s appropriate for school grounds.”

Monty hates the smile that tugs at his lips. He turns his head so he can see Jeff but is still lying on his folded arms, squinting at him tiredly. “Did you want something, or are you just here to torture me?”

Jeff scoffs. “Don’t be so dramatic. You’ve been walking around like death all day. I’m here to cheer you up.”

“You’re failing,” Monty informs him drily.

The taller boy smiles at him, resting his chin on top of his own arm so they’re on a closer level. “No, I’m not. Why are you hungover, anyway? I thought you’d stopped drinking so much.”

Monty averts his gaze. He shrugs, “I got bored.”

“Bored?” Jeff frowns. “Weren’t Justin and Zach with you yesterday? Are you all like this?”

“No, they wouldn’t take any.”

Jeff’s frown deepens. “So it was just you?”

Monty sighs, trying to ignore the slight ache in his chest at the other’s obvious disappointment. “Like I said,” he reiterates lightly, “I got bored.”

The taller boy stares at him for another moment before seemingly deciding to let it drop with a shake of his head. “Whatever man. If you don’t wanna tell me, that’s your choice. As long as you’re good.”

Something in Monty’s chest tightens, and he can’t stop the smile that takes over his mouth this time. “I’m good,” he assures him quietly.

“Good,” Jeff nods. Then he smirks. “You still look like shit though.”

Monty breathes a laugh. “You really know how to flatter a guy, don’t you, Atkins?” Jeff’s smirk widens and he shrugs. “I’m just tired. Didn’t get long enough to sleep it off.”

He lets his eyes drift closed and there’s a moment of silence before he hears the other boy shift beside him. There’s a light touch on his arm that turns into a full grip, then there’s a gentle tug. His eyes flutter open to see Jeff has turned so he’s leaning his back against the table, fingers enclosed around his bicep as he pulls him towards him. 

“What are you doing?” Monty’s brow furrows. 

“Giving you somewhere to sleep,” Jeff answers casually. When Monty’s stare remains blank, he pats his lap. Monty’s eyebrow climbs towards his hairline, but Jeff isn’t phased; he just gives another light tug to the smaller’s arm until he reluctantly raises his head. 

Jeff maneuvers him until he’s lying back on the bench, head pillowed in his lap. Monty has to admit, it’s a lot more comfortable than his position on the table had been. 

It also leaves him looking up at the other boy, giving him a clear view of his pretty features. His heart flutters as Jeff looks down at him with that easy smile, and he has to close his eyes against the image to stop himself from doing something stupid. He takes a breath, murmuring a soft, “Thanks.”

The sun shining down on them is irritating, the light harsh even against Monty’s closed eyelids. Jeff curls his shoulders so that he’s leaning over him slightly, and it creates a heavenly shade. It’s heightened when Monty tilts his face towards Jeff’s stomach, leaning into him. 

Monty keeps his eyes closed, knowing the feelings it would stir if he opened them. He can deal with this much, he decides, breathing in the other’s comforting scent and letting it soothe his aching mind.

Then, he feels a light touch on his hair. 

He stiffens as Jeff’s fingers slide lightly through the strands. They start up a gentle rhythm, brushing through it, every now and again gently massaging his scalp, and Monty can’t help but sink into the feeling. 

Even while telling himself he shouldn’t, he presses closer, suppressing a shiver as Jeff’s other hand comes to rest on his chest. He swallows thickly, trying to ignore the heat blossoming from the touch.

He has no idea how long he lays there. He feels like he really could sleep, going completely lax under the tall jock’s ministrations. He allows himself to close that last little bit of distance, resting his temple against Jeff’s stomach, nuzzling into him. The gesture’s rewarded with a stroke of his cheek before the hand moves back into his hair. He’s about to pick up the courage to say something, or reach up to tangle his fingers with those on his chest, when a voice breaks through his peaceful state.

“Is he dead?”

Monty groans internally. Trust Justin to have the worst fucking timing.

He blows out a breath and looks over at the newcomer with an expression that he hopes conveys his annoyance. “Sadly, no.”

Jeff flicks his cheek. “Thankfully, no.”

Justin grins at the interaction and Monty glares at him, suddenly regretting his decision to tell the idiots anything. Instead of scaring him off as intended, Justin’s grin only widens. 

He disappears from Monty’s line of sight as he rounds the table to sit on the other side of the bench. He looks back up at Jeff only to find he’s no longer looking at him, head turned to look over the table at Justin. Monty wants to whine at the loss of attention.

Then Jeff’s hand makes its way back to his hair, combing through it absently, and a happy feeling settles in Monty’s chest. He decides fuck it, and presses his face back into the taller boy’s stomach, nuzzling it comfortably.

He becomes almost grateful for Justin’s presence soon after that. The two of them have struck up a quiet conversation, and the comforting lull of Jeff’s voice is almost enough to put him to sleep fully this time.

It’s suddenly ruined by the shrill sound of the bell, and this time he does whine at the noise. Jeff presses his hand over his ear, gently stroking his cheek with his thumb as he does so. Monty smiles up at him in thanks, only to realise the bastard’s smirking at him. Monty scowls.

Jeff turns to look at Justin again, raising a brow in question. “You have a free period with him?”

Monty can’t see the other’s reply, but he doesn’t have to to know it’s a nod of affirmation. He and Justin share the same free period—Jeff, however, does not. 

“Don’t go,” he begs anyway, looking up at Jeff with wide, puppy eyes. 

The latter smiles down at him, brushing through his hair one last time. “I’d stay, I would, but I’m actually trying to pass this class.”

Monty sighs. He can’t find the strength to argue with him, not when he’s struggling similarly, being the only reason he’s even bothered coming in today.

Well, the main reason.

 _Okay_ —the reason he’d give were anyone to ask, rather than the actual one, because he’d admit only doing it to see Jeff over his own dead body.

“Fine,” he huffs. “Go be a good student.”

Jeff chuckles. “Glad I have your permission.”

He tugs Monty into a sitting position until he can slide out from under him, lifting Monty’s bag onto the bench as a replacement. A shitty one, but at least it’s something. 

Jeff pulls him into a one armed hug, dropping a chaste kiss to the top of his head before lowering him back into a lying position on the bench.

Monty lays frozen as Jeff bids Justin goodbye before heading back towards the school’s entrance. He stares after him, lips parted, spot on his head tingling, pain suddenly mostly forgotten. 

He drags his gaze away when he hears a quiet laugh, taken aback when he ends up looking right up at Justin’s face.

“You should’ve seen your face,” he laughs at him.

Monty’s lips dip back into a scowl and he shoves the other boy away with a hand to the face. “Fuck you.” He pulls himself up and swings his legs back under the table, groaning and dropping his head into his hands again. 

Justin grins. “Nah, I think your boyfriend would get jealous.” 

Monty’s stomach is rolling too much for him to give a safe response, so he lets out a growl instead. Justin laughs again. Eventually, he gets out, “Jeff doesn’t like me.”

Justin rolls his eyes. “Sorry. You’re right. You two are basically married, the little kiss was so sweet.”

Monty finds just enough energy to lift his head and glare at him. “Stop talking.”

“But your _face_ —”

“No.”

“Dude, c’mon. He kissed you, and obviously for the first time, you can’t seriously still be denyi—”

“You kiss Alex like that all the time, but you aren’t in love with him, remember?” Monty raises a brow. 

Justin’s mouth clamps shut. “I—” He shakes his head. “That’s different.”

“Oh yeah?” Monty pushes. “How?”

Justin grits his teeth. “Because,” he sighs, “I am in love with Alex.”

That makes Monty pause.

He knows that, of course, everyone does. He’s known it for a while, blatantly obvious and shoved in his face, heart breaking at the thought he may never have the same. It’s something he loves seeing his friend feel, he’s just never thought he’d get to see him actually admit it. 

The jealousy he’d expected to feel at the moment isn’t there; instead, a burst of happiness rolls over him. “Fuck yeah, you are,” he grins, reaching over to punch him in the shoulder. “About time, man.”

Justin blinks. “I’m in love with Alex,” he repeats. Monty’s grin widens and he laughs slightly. “Oh my god.”

Monty laughs some more, and Justin seems to be too shocked at his own revelation to be able to respond. The look in his eyes actually begins to grow scared, and it makes Monty sober up. “Hey,” he nudges him lightly, waiting until the other boy looks at him. “It’s good. Yeah? Look at you finally admitting you have a heart. This is great!”

He smiles encouragingly, but Justin shakes his head. “I just—I went there, and you and Zach had put it in my head but I wasn’t even thinking about it. Then he suddenly, he just fucking smiles, and I’m totally fucking gone.”

He says all this to the table before looking up again, expression pained. “And it’s like I realised. Like I’d felt all of it the whole time but hadn’t even noticed, and now all I can do is think about all those times my heart went fucking crazy cause Standall _looked_ at me.”

Monty can relate. If he had a dollar for every beat his heart had skipped because of a certain someone, he’d be rich. 

He gives a tight smile. “I know what you mean.”

Justin nods and gestures at him, as if to say ‘exactly’, then he freezes suddenly. “Wait, is this how you feel all the time?” Monty nods. “ _Dude._ ”

Monty shrugs. “Kinda sucks, doesn’t it?”

“Yeah,” Justin breathes. He studies the table, tracing a finger over a scrape in it. Monty waits patiently for him to spit out whatever he wants to say. “Maybe your idea wasn’t such a bad one.”

Monty raises a brow. “Thanks for such high praise,” he says drily, “but I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Justin looks up at him, eyes serious as he apparently steels himself. “Maybe we should pretend to date.”

Oh.

That, Monty remembers. He stares at Justin for a moment, taking in the fact that he’s actually said it. Then he snorts.

“Yeah,” Monty shakes his head, “no, we’re not doing that.”

He revels in the way Justin’s jaw drops. “I—what? It was your idea!”

“Yeah,” Monty agrees easily. “A dumb one. Zach was right. They both know us too well to ever think we’d go for each other. They’d know something was up.”

Justin frowns. “But—”

“And,” Monty continues, “I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t even get jealous. Well, no, maybe they would, Alex would, he’s head over heels for you, but they wouldn’t do anything about it. They’re too sweet, all ‘I’m happy if you’re happy’ bullshit. We’re the jealous one. We’d probably just be lessening our chances, really.”

“Monty,” Justin whines, “we could at least tr—wait, head over heels for me? Seriously, Monty?”

Monty rolls his eyes. “We’re not doing it. Why don’t you just make a move, huh? If you’re so confident he’d get jealous, rejection’s hardly the problem,” he throws the other’s words from yesterday back at him, causing Justin to scowl.

“Whatever. I was just saying, you didn’t have to be a dick,” Justin mutters.

It makes Monty want to apologize. He doesn’t, though, because he never does. It isn’t who he is. He would rather Justin be pissed at him for a while than admitting what all of this actually is. His heart’s aching, and he’s really fed up with it.

Also, that small, evil part of him is really happy finally watching Justin struggle as much as he is.

“Whatever,” he dismisses. He snatches his bag from the bench next to him and drags himself to his feet. “Fuck this. I’m going home. I’ll see you later.”

He doesn’t wait for Justin to respond before he walks away.

~~~~~

Justin sits on Alex sofa, idly twirling a fidget spinner between his fingers. He’d gotten for Alex almost as a joke, saying ‘ _Here, for whenever I’m not around for you to play with my hair_ ’. Mostly, though, he hoped it would be actually helpful, and if anything, Alex has at least never complained.

He tilts his head back, raising his hands and watching it spin. He sets it on his nose, eyeing it in concentrating, getting it balanced before spinning it experimentally. It starts to slide and he reaches up to stop it, trying to steady it again. 

A laugh makes him pause and his eyes flick in the direction of the sound curiously.

Alex is watching him with a wide smile, though his brows are pinched. “Can you stop that? It’s really distracting. You’re literally cross eyed.” 

Justin smiles, letting the object slide off his face and onto the cushions. “Distracting you from your decorating?”

The blonde is currently stringing tinsel around an impressively sized tree, the disadvantages of being the only one ever in the house becoming clear. 

“You could help me, you know. Just a suggestion.”

“I’ll do the star.”

Alex glares at him. “No, you asshole, you won’t.”

Justin laughs. They’d been doing it for about an hour when Justin decided to give up, flopping onto the couch. Alex had given him an irritated look but otherwise ignored it, carrying on himself. 

It was fun. Justin couldn’t remember ever putting up his own Christmas tree, but doing so with Alex was an exciting feeling. It was a feeling he was completely unfamiliar with, complete, unadulterated happiness filling him at something so simple. While he teased Alex about being too short to reach the top branches, even though he was only an inch taller himself, though that seemed to be enough. 

Then Alex had draped a string of tinsel around his neck, stepping back and giving him a mock considerate look. Justin pulled exaggerated poses, exhilarating in Alex’s rewarding giggles before the blonde had said, as seriously as he could, “Very handsome, Foley.”

Justin’s heart had stuttered dangerously and he shrugged the tinsel off, forcing a smile before turning back to the tree. Alex hadn’t seemed to notice, but it held strong in Justin’s mind until he’d given up, putting a little distance between them.

He’s settled again, now, able to pat the couch next to him and say, “Come on, just take a break for a bit.”

Alex stands there for another moment before nodding, coming to drop down beside him. He settles back into the cushions, picking up the fidget spinner. Justin smiles.

“Are you going to Jess’s Christmas party next week?” Alex asks him.

“Of course. I’m pretty sure she’d kill me if I didn’t.”

Alex laughs. “Me too. I’ll drive you?” 

Justin nods, smile still soft. “Sure, Standall.” He doesn’t mention how that was pretty much a given. He’d probably be getting ready here, eating here; he’s always here. 

The other boy nods, throwing the fidget spinner to the side. He shifts closer, then leans against Justin, resting his head on the jock’s shoulder.

It’s normal, completely, hell just last night Justin had crawled in and pulled the other boy into his arms easily, cuddling against the cold. That’s all Alex is doing now, burrowing into him for the heat, tugging his sleeves over his hands.

The only difference is that one is pre-feelings-revelation, and the other is now.

Now, Justin freezes.

He can feel every place along the side of his body where Alex is touching him, for the simple reason that each inch of those is on fire. His heart is thundering, and he’s acutely aware that if Alex lifted his head and they both turned towards each other, they’d be kissing. 

He curses internally as there’s a harsh catch in his breath, and he’s shoving the other way.

“Get the fuck off me, Standall, you’re not covering me in glitter.”

Alex rolls his eyes, and Justin knows he’s about to tell him to man up and get over it. But that’s before he turns to look at him and sees the genuine anger in his expression, and of course, assumes it’s directed at him. 

“Hey, what?” Alex’s brow furrows. “What’s wrong?”

Justin steels himself, and he glares at him. “What’s wrong is I’m not your fucking pillow.”

The problem is he knows Alex. He knows that, the moment he’s pushed, he’ll snap back. Justin’s ‘anger’ will fuel his own, and he’ll fight back, a fiery little ball of sarcasm. It’s one of the things about him Justin adores.

He didn’t think he’d ever be trying to use it against himself.

The sad thing is, it works.

Alex’s expression darkens. “Says the one who can’t keep his hands to himself for more than five seconds.”

“You say that as if you’re the one I’m dying to touch,” Justin scoffs, surprised at how strong his voice is.

“Am I not?” Alex sasses. “Because it sure as hell seems like I am every time you come crawling in here like a puppy.”

Justin feels like he’s been punched, all the air squeezed right out of him. He forces himself not to let it show, leaving his expression to go blank. It hurts, just as it had been intended to. He isn’t allowed to be mad about it, though. It’s exactly what he wanted.

But Alex’s face is already twisting in regret, and he reaches a hand out. “Justin, I—I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sor—”

Justin pushes his hand away, fingers sparking at the touch. He ignores it as he gets to feet, looking down at him with a bored expression. “I thought it was bad, but that’s just pathetic. Seriously, Standall? I was only using you for the free food, I didn’t think I’d have to put up with your clingy ass constantly. I’m done.”

Alex stares up at him in shock, speechless. Justin can almost see his heart break. In this moment, he hates himself. 

He suddenly can’t stand watching it, and he walks towards the door, grabbing his school bag on his way out. His duffel is upstairs, along with a lot of his things, but he doesn’t have the strength to go get them. He knows if he does, he’ll break. He’ll come back to Alex and apologize, and he won’t be able to leave.

He does though. He walks out the door, and lets it close behind him.

He walks down the road, getting as far away as he can before he inevitably breaks down. It isn’t long, his eyes beginning to water before he even makes it to the end of the street.

By the time he makes it to his destination, his cheeks are wet with tears that are still streaming down his face. He needed to do it, but he regrets it already. He tries to remind himself it’s what’s best for the long run. Right now, it just really doesn’t feel like it.

He knocks on the door in front of him, and by that time, he changes his mind completely. It was a stupid idea, so fucking stupid, what was he thinking?

Zach opens the door and his eyes widen in shock, taking in Justin’s state. “What happened?”

“I fucked up,” Justin chokes. “I really fucked up.”

His voice cracks on a sob and Zach pulls him into a hug, hands patting his back comfortingly. Justin falls into it, grateful for his friend but wishing with his whole heart that it was Alex.

~~~~~

_**One Week Later** _

Monty’s in the kitchen eating chips when Zach finds him. He looks up and bites back a groan, really not interested in another pep talk.

Ever since Justin’s breakdown, Zach has taken to doing everything in his power to get Monty to talk to Jeff. Monty appreciates the sentiment, he really does, knowing it’s only because Zach doesn’t want to see another one of his friends heartbroken. But Monty can’t help but feel that’s the way he would end up by telling Jeff.

“Hey, man,” Zach greets him. 

Monty shoves another chip in his mouth. “Hey.”

“I know you’re tired of listening to me.” Monty opens his mouth to agree, but Zach puts up a hand. “But just hear me out this one time, okay?”

Monty eyes him in suspicion, but nods reluctantly.

“Okay,” Zach sighs. “Okay. He’s coming tonight, isn’t he?” Another nod. “Dude. You’re not gonna get a better chance. Just, go for it!”

The shorter of the two pretends to consider this for a moment. Then, “No.”

Zach groans. “Dude, c’mon, look at this bullshit.” He grabs Monty’s arms and turns him until he’s looking into the next room, where he can just see Justin sitting on the couch alone, staring at the beer bottle in his hands. “Alex is supposed to be here. Jess says he’s not even coming, now. You don’t wanna be them.”

Monty winces. He wants to go grab Justin and take him to Alex’s himself, but it isn’t his business. He definitely does not want to be them.

Which is exactly why he’s not telling Jeff _anything_.

“Good thing I’m not, then,” he smiles brightly, turning back around in time for Zach to shoot him an unimpressed look. “I’m not doing it, man. Just let it go.” 

He wasn’t planning on drinking much tonight, knowing Jeff’s going to be here and wanting to at least be sober enough to act like he is, but after this conversation, he’s changed his mind. He grabs a beer from the table and leaves before Zach can start talking again.

It takes Jeff way longer than it should to get there. By the time he does, Zach’s tried to talk to him at least three more times, each of them at the point where Monty’s now too shitfaced to be annoyed. 

Which is why the moment Monty spots Jeff he’s on him, wrapping his arms around him in a bear hug and nearly spilling his beer in the process. He barely even notices when it’s ripped from his hands. Whatever, Zach can have it.

“Jeff, you’re here!”

He feels arms wrap around his back and clutches tighter, not even being discreet as he breathes him in. Jeff pats his back awkwardly and asks, “Are you drunk?”

Monty scoffs, face still buried in Jeff’s neck. “No,” he slurs.

“Wow, you’re off your face. Why the hell is he like this?”

He can picture Zach raising his hands, face pulled in a disappointed frown, and he makes a face. “I don’t know, man, he just started and wouldn’t stop.”

“And no one thought to take him home?”

“I wanted to, but I’m trying to watch Justin too. I don’t know how he’s gonna be when Alex isn’t here.” 

Monty sees Jeff frown and he hugs him tighter, smiling when Jeff squeezes him in response. “Is he still not coming?”

He can’t see Zach’s response, but he doesn’t care, he knows the answer anyway. He clings on tighter to Jeff, blowing out an irritated breath as he presses his nose to the other’s throat. “I do exist.”

Jeff looks down at him quickly, letting out a laugh. “I know, Monty. You’d be pretty hard to forget.”

It makes a fluttery feeling flow through him, and a dopey grin takes over his face. Jeff grins back, laughing slightly again as he reaches up to ruffle his hair. Monty leans into the touch, relaxing until another thought occurs to him and he frowns. “But you’re ignoring me,” he points out, squeezing his torso in emphasis.

“Damn.” Jeff gasps exaggeratedly, eyes widening comically as he berates himself. “Poor Monty, I’m being a terrible friend.”

Monty winces internally at that. On the outside, his frown deepens and he nods. “Yeah, you are.”

Jeff starts to nod along with him, trying to keep his expression serious. It only works for a few seconds before his lips are pulling up at the corners. “How about I take you home to make up for it, huh?”

He starts to pull away from Monty, but the shorter of the two holds tight. “But I don’t want to go home,” he protests. “I wanna stay here with you.”

“I’ll be the one taking you, Monty.”

“No.”

“Are you sure? Don’t you wanna go lie down in your nice, comfy bed?”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t wanna be alone, it’s boring.”

Jeff pauses at that, seemingly at a loss of what to say. Monty pulls back and looks up at him, eyes shining hopefully. “I’ll go if you stay with me.”

At that, Jeff smiles softly and reaches up to squeeze his shoulder. “Of course I’ll stay with you, Monty.” Monty smiles widely, leaning back into him. “Now let’s go before Jess kicks your ass for drinking all the beer or worse, you throw up all over her floor.”

“I’m not gonna throw up,” Monty mumbles just for the sake of arguing, reluctantly pulling away from Jeff even as he does so. 

He barely gets a few wobbly steps before an arm wraps around his waist again. His instinct tells him to push it away and tell them he’s perfectly capable of walking on his own. Then he realises how nice it feels and Jeff’s pulling him back into his side and he physically couldn’t if he tried. Not that he wants to, anyway.

Jeff guides him outside and to his car, settling him into the passenger side and buckling him in. Monty lets him without complaint. He doesn’t want to complain when it’s Jeff looking after him. He’s scared it would make him stop.

As Jeff’s pulling away again he starts to laugh quietly. Monty gives him a curious look, fascinated. “What?”

“You spilled alcohol on your shirt.”

“What?” Monty looks down at his shirt, eyes landing on a barely dried stain. “Oh. Ugh. It’s sticking to me.”

Jeff shakes his head, grinning as he leans out and closes the door. He rounds the car and hops into the driver’s side while Monty slumps in the seat, watching him lazily. The drive is spent in silence, Jeff’s eyes on the road and Monty’s eyes on Jeff. 

When they reach his house Monty doesn’t move, even when Jeff opens his door to let him out. Jeff raises a brow, leaning against the door. “You waiting for something?”

“My parents are home,” Monty whispers. Well, thinks he whispers—really, it’s as loud as it would’ve been if he’d just spoken normally. 

Jeff looks back at the house, lips pursing, before he looks at the drunk boy still sitting in his car. “Fine, we’ll just have to be quiet then.”

Before Monty can say anything, Jeff’s leaning over and unbuckling him, hauling him out of the car. He stumbles and Jeff catches him, wrapping an arm securely around his waist again. Monty doesn’t even huff, just leans into him and drops his head onto his shoulder.

He tries not to react when Jeff reaches into his pocket for his keys, even though the touch burns right through the fabric of his jeans, leaving a searing mark on his hip. His breath hitches, but other than that, he prides himself on staying calm.

Jeff hushes him multiple times on their way through the house and up the stairs, which Monty grumbles at—he isn’t even _speaking_. 

It’s when they finally make it into Monty’s room and the door’s shut firmly behind them that Jeff lets him go with a sigh of relief. Monty turns to watch him as his lips pull up in a smile, making his heart flutter. His lips part as his breath whooshes out of him like he’s been punched. He has, in a way, he thinks, struck not for the first time by how beautiful Jeff is; by how much he loves him.

 _Huh_ , Monty thinks. It’s easier to admit it than it usually is with the added help of the alcohol loosening his brain. 

He assumes he’s been staring at him a little too long when Jeff’s smile widens and he shakes his head, walking closer to him again. “You do know how much you’re going to regret it in the morning, right?”

Monty shrugs, voice still slurred slightly, “S’your fault for convincing me to stop. M’not tolerant no more.” 

“That shouldn’t have been a problem if you just _stayed_ stopped.”

It’s said in the Jeff tone, the soft one that makes sure you know he’s aware that what he’s saying isn’t something you wanna hear, but he’s gonna say it anyway because he cares. “It’s not like you stop completely, it’s just not drowning yourself in it.”

“Maybe not everyone else has as much control as you do,” Monty mutters.

Jeff rolls his eyes. “I only have as much control as everyone else, trust me.” Monty gets the feeling they aren’t really talking about alcohol anymore, and he isn’t sure what to say.

Then Jeff’s hands are at his waist, on the hem of his shirt, and any chance he had of being able to speak disappears.

“This reeks. Hey, you gonna help me out or are you just gonna stand there?”

“I—what?”

Jeff tugs at his shirt, brows raising. Monty’s lips form a small ‘o’ but he raises his arms, allowing the taller to pull the item over his head. As he does so, his fingers trail up Monty’s sides, leaving a burning trail in his wake.

He doesn’t know why he does it, but once Jeff drops the shirt on the floor, Monty moves towards him again. Except this time, he kisses him.

He cups his face and presses their lips together, kissing him hesitantly. Jeff stands frozen against him for a second before there’s hands pressing against his shoulders, pushing him away. “Monty, stop.”

It forces Monty a step back, and his eyes widen as he realises what he’s done. His hands hang between them where they’ve fallen from Jeff’s shoulders, and he keeps them there like he doesn’t know what else to do with them. Shocked that they’ve betrayed him.

Stupid, so stupid, he never should’ve done that, what was he thinking? Jeff doesn’t want him like that, he knows that, he’s always known that. Now he’s wrecked everything.

“Oh my god,” he whispers. “Oh my god, no, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Jeff, I didn't—I’m so sorry.”

His eyes start to water and he can’t even find the power to stop them. The thought of losing Jeff is a living, breathing thing in his mind, and he starts to tremble as a tear rolls down his cheek.

Jeff watches his melt down in slight shock but then he’s moving back towards him again. “Hey, no.” He reaches up and wipes the tears away gently, hands cupping Monty’s jaw, thumbs brushing over his skin. “Don’t be sorry, I didn’t mean it like that.”

Monty stares at him, a small flower of hope blooming in his chest. “What did you mean it like?”

“You’re drunk, Monty. You don’t know what you’re doing.”

“I’m drunk, not an idiot. Pretty sure I know what kissing is.”

Jeff smiles slightly in a way that tells Monty he’s trying not to. “That’s not what I meant. Even if you tell me you mean it, I can’t believe you right now. It’s like, a drinking rule. You know, don’t kiss when at least one of them is drunk?”

Monty’s brow furrows. “Justin always kisses people when he’s drunk.”

Jeff rolls his eyes at that, but there’s a fond look in them. “That’s because he is an idiot.”

The shorter considers this, nodding slowly. “So, you only pushed me away cause I’m drunk?”

“Yes, Monty. Only because you’re drunk.”

“So, you didn’t mind the actual kissing part?”

“No,” Jeff’s lips quirk. “I definitely don’t mind the actual kissing part. I just want to be sure that, the first time I actually kiss you, you’ll remember it.”

Monty’s lips part, and he’s suddenly very aware of their proximity, of Jeff’s hands still holding his face. “Oh.”

Jeff nods, stroking his cheek again. “Yeah. Don’t be sorry, Monty.”

“Okay,” Monty breathes. He licks his lips, deciding to chance it. “Will you still stay with me?”

It takes a second, but Jeff nods, letting him go in favour of moving to Monty’s wardrobe. He rummages through it for a moment, finally emerging with a pair of sweats, a jumper, and a triumphant smile. He moves back to Monty, tugging the jumper over his head without a word and Monty grumbles but shoves his arms through the sleeves. Jeff holds out the sweats and he takes them, brow furrowed again.

“What about you?”

Jeff looks down at himself and shrugs. “I’m good.”

“I know that, but you won’t be comfy.” Monty moves back to the wardrobe, searching through it for another pair of sweats. He finds some and tosses them to Jeff. “At least wear those.”

He takes them without argument and Monty attempts to change into his own pair. He manages with only a few almost falls, swaying precariously as he hops between feet. When he’s done, Jeff’s already in bed. The covers are pulled back on the other side. Waiting for him. 

His heart stutters.

He makes his way to the bed slowly, trying not to stumble with Jeff watching him. Jeff tucks the covers up over him as soon as he’s in and Monty sinks into the heat, heart still fluttering. They lie there for a moment just looking at each other before Monty plucks up the courage to reach out.

He finds Jeff’s hand, only brushing it with his fingertips. It turns under his, and Jeff twines their fingers together, squeezing gently. Monty relaxes and squeezes back. “Jeff?”

“Yeah?”

“Thanks for pushing me away.”

~~~~~

Justin doesn’t even want to be here. He only is because Jess asked him, and Zach dragged him, neither of them leaving him any choice. The sad thing is he’d been looking forward to it, before. 

Before he messed everything up.

He doesn’t even have the heart to try to enjoy himself. He just sits on the couch with a beer bottle in his hands, wallowing in his own self pity.

Alex should be beside him right now. He wouldn’t be exactly happy to be here, but he’d settle next to Justin and make some random joke, and Justin suddenly wouldn’t mind. But Alex isn’t here; and it’s all his fault.

He stares at the bottle in his hands. There’s a strong temptation to down it and follow it with a few other. Yet all be can think about, is how disappointed Alex would be—if he was here to see it. He replaces the bitter sting of it with the burn of alcohol down his throat.

The couch dips on either side of him and he’s suddenly surrounded by pitying females. 

“Can you two not judge me right now?”

Hannah rests her arm on his shoulder, pillowing her head atop it as Jess kicks her legs up into his lap. “We don’t want to judge you, we want to know what’s going on,” Hannah reassures him softly. 

Justin glances at her. “You say that like Alex hasn’t already told you everything.”

“That’s probably because he hasn’t,” Jess informs him. “He’s just been walking around moping as much as you. What the hell happened with you two?”

They watch him as he drops his head, tightening his hands on the bottle. “Does it matter?” He attempts to avoid the subject.

“Justin,” Hannah tries again, voice still painfully soft. “Alex _cried_ over whatever it is. He cried and _he let us see it_ , because he had no other choice. He couldn’t stop. He wouldn’t talk to us about it. We stayed with him all night and he barely slept. I don’t think he really has since.”

Justin winces. “He can’t sleep well on his own. It’s some, psychological thing or something, I don’t know. I just knew it was something and tried to stay with him. If I couldn’t I’d take a nap with him during the day, but I’d have to convince him it was for me. I don’t know if he really believed me, but it worked.” He shakes his head, voice cracking as he says, “I should’ve been the one staying with him.”

“Yeah,” Jess agrees, “you should’ve. So why the hell weren’t you?”

“I-I really fucked up,” he admits, biting his lip. “I told him I was just using him. Said I was done putting up with someone so clingy. I called him pathetic.” He laughs humourlessly. “I called him pathetic for thinking I cared about him because I realised how much I actually do.”

The two girls glance at each other before moving. They shift closer and wrap their arms around him from either side, hugging him tightly. 

“That was pretty dumb,” Hannah tells him, but there’s still no anger in her voice. “I know he said something dumb too because he’s been mad at himself the whole time. Alex loves you just as much as you love him, Justin.”

Justin sinks into their hold. He isn’t sure he really believes that, but he know Alex cares a lot. It’s the reason, he thinks, that he pushed him away, that he suddenly got so scared of hurting him. 

Because the truth is, he knows Alex loves him in some form. He knows that, and he doesn’t know what to do with it. He isn’t sure how to let himself be loved and love back, and it scared the hell out of him thinking he’d do something wrong.

So instead, he went and messed it up on purpose.

Now that he thinks about it, it wasn’t his best idea. He’s known that since the second he walked out the door.

Since then, he hasn’t tried to fix it out of the fear that Alex wouldn’t take him back. Now, though, after hearing the other boy’s had it just as bad as him, the regret is even stronger. 

The girls hug him for a little longer before they let go, sitting up to look at him. “Fix it,” Hannah orders him, as Jess gives his shoulder an encouraging squeeze.

They leave him, and he sits in debate for a second before pulling his phone out of his pocket. 

He opens up his chat with Alex, dead for the past week, and tries to pluck up some courage. He finds it, and hesitantly starts to type.

_**To Alex:** I love you. I’m sorry._

He hits send before he can change his mind, then stares at his phone, waiting. 

He doesn’t know how long he sits there, but his phone remains dark. Alex doesn’t text him back. He probably isn’t going to, Justin decides. His heart starts to break a little all over again. 

It doesn’t really surprise him, only confirms what he’d already been thinking. His feelings aren’t reciprocated; he fucked up, and Alex isn’t going to forgive him this time.

The couch dips again, only on one side this time, and he turns to see a blonde girl sat next to him, smiling brightly. “Hi.”

Justin sighs internally. He really isn’t in the mood for happy people, particularly ones he can already tell is only here to flirt with him. Then he realises that might be just what he needs, and forces a smile. “Hey.”

“You’re Justin Foley, right?” She places a hand on his arm, and he bites back a sarcastic remark. He hates these conversations, which is why he eventually started skipping them. He nods, and her smile widens. “I saw your basketball game a couple weeks ago. You were amazing.” 

_Ah_. “Thanks,” he says. 

She trails her hand up his arm until it rests over his bicep, still smiling. Justin stares at her for a moment, before he leans in and kisses her. 

She responds eagerly, overly so, as Justin realises he doesn’t know her name. He kisses her anyway, hands sliding up to tangle in her hair and trying to push Alex out of his mind. It almost works, while he forces himself to focus on the feel of the lips moving against his, the hands on his shoulders, the soft strands tangled between his fingers.

Almost, but just not so. 

He keeps kissing her anyway, hoping that will change. It doesn’t, and he loses any chance of it doing so when they’re interrupted.

“Seriously?”

Justin knows that voice. He pulls back from the girl abruptly, head turning towards the interruption to find Alex looking back at him, disbelief clear in his features. 

“Alex,” Justin’s eyes widen as Alex’s go blank and he turns, heading back towards the door. “Alex,” Justin calls again, standing to follow him. He brushes off the hand still trying to hold his arm, pushing through the people as he keeps his eyes locked on that blonde head. “Alex, wait.”

~~~~~

Monty wakes up surrounded by warmth, and with a headache. His memories of the night before are fully intact, meaning neither of these realisations are surprising. He squeezes his eyes shut against the light, pressing back into the body behind him as he buries his face in the pillow. 

They’d moved during the night, it seems. Monty now lies facing the wall with Jeff behind him— _right_ behind him. The length of his front pressed to Monty’s back, providing a comforting heat, one of his strong arms wrapped over Monty’s stomach. 

The pillow isn’t working at blocking the light. Monty lets out a quiet groan and shifts himself around in Jeff’s hold. He turns over so he’s able to bury his face in the other’s chest, breathing a sigh of relief as Jeff pulls him closer in his sleep, blocking out more of the light. 

He doesn’t think about how Jeff will react when he wakes up, is too tired to be bothered by it. He just cuddles as close as he can and keeps his eyes closed, Jeff’s scent soothing the slight roll of his stomach.

Jeff shifts under him and Monty grabs onto his waist, holding him in place. “Please don’t move,” he mumbles. 

He holds tight and Jeff huffs a breath. “Good morning to you too.”

Monty hums dismissively. Jeff curls his other arm around him so he can move a hand up into his hair. He cards through it soothingly, much like he had the week before, when Monty had been in a similar situation. He sinks into it again now, letting the touch soften his headache.

“Why did you decide to put yourself through this again?” Jeff asks him.

He shrugs. “Zach was bugging me.”

“What? About what?” 

“You.”

There’s no reply to that, and Monty looks up at him. He’s staring down at him with a questioning look, and Monty decides to be honest. “He’s been stressing about the whole Justin and Alex thing and he said he doesn’t want me to end up the same. Tried to convince me to tell you, how I feel.”

Jeff nods slightly, licking his lips. “How do you feel?”

Monty really doesn’t want to answer that. Feels like he can’t, with Jeff looking at him. He does, though, forcing himself to look at the other boy as he says it. “I like you. Not in a friend way. In a how-Justin-and-Alex-feel-about-each-other way.”

The hand moves from his hair to his cheek. “It still kinda worked, though. You just, kissed me instead of actually saying anything.”

Monty snorts. “Yeah, cause that went great.”

“Didn’t it?” Jeff questions. “I’m still here. Right here. I like you too, Mont.”

“You pushed me away,” Monty reminds him, quietly.

“You were drunk. I didn’t want it to just be me taking advantage of you. I didn’t know if you’d even remember it happened.”

It’s earnest, painfully so, and Monty feels that little spark of hope in his chest bloom again. His voice comes out barely above a whisper. “I’m not drunk anymore.”

His eyes flick between Jeff’s, searching. When he leans in this time, Jeff doesn’t push him away.

Their lips meet softly, just as they had the night before but also utterly different. This time, Jeff’s kissing him back. A shock goes through him at the feeling, and he presses closer, lips moving more insistently. Jeff’s hand moves back into his hair, tugging slightly on the strands as he bites his bottom lip, and Monty’s so gone.

His lips part instinctively, opening under the pressure of Jeff’s mouth moving against his own, allowing him entrance. Monty doesn’t know what he’s doing, isn’t sure what to do with his tongue, where to put his hands. So he lets Jeff take control of the kiss, and hesitantly slips his hands under the taller’s shirt, feeling the smooth expanse of skin.

Jeff shivers under his touch and Monty feels a wave of pride, satisfied he seems to be doing something that’s working. 

His chest starts to feel tight from lack of breath, but he doesn’t want to pull back. He isn’t sure what he’s doing, doesn’t have much experience in what’s happening, only ever wanted to if it was Jeff he was gaining the experience with. Only ever wanted to be with anyone like this if it was Jeff, and now that he has it, he doesn’t want to let it go.

Which is why when it’s Jeff that pulls away, Monty doesn’t stop. He presses kisses along Jeff’s jaw, causing the latter to let out a breathy laugh. He traces his fingertips over his stomach again, and the grip in his hair tightens. 

He moves the kisses down along Jeff’s neck, sucking lightly on the skin. Jeff’s breath catches and he tugs on his hair again, pulling him back. “Monty,” he breathes, “you have to stop.”

“What?” Monty frowns, starting to panic slightly. “What did I do wrong?”

“What? No, nothing, you didn’t do anything wrong. That’s the problem.”

Monty’s brow furrows. “What do you mean?”

Jeff’s eyes are closed, breathing uneven, seemingly trying to get himself under control. “I mean if you don’t, I’ll want to keep going.”

“Uhm.” Monty still doesn’t get it. “Isn’t that the point?”

At that, Jeff laughs slightly, opening his eyes again. Monty looks back at him, trying to figure out what the problem is. “Was it not good?” 

“Monty,” Jeff shakes his head. “It was too good. Okay? I really, really liked it.”

The words take a moment to sink in but once they do, Monty’s beaming. “Yeah?”

Jeff laughs again. “Yeah. You can totally do that anytime you want to. Anytime. You just, you don’t have to. I’m not going anywhere, Monty. We have plenty of time, we can just, take it slow. I just totally wouldn’t have been able to if you’d kept doing that.”

Monty’s heart skips as he realises just how well Jeff actually knows him. That he understands Monty’s unsurety and the reason for it, without him having to explain. 

He nods slightly before burrowing back into him, wrapping his arms around him tightly. Jeff returns the gesture, giving him a slight squeeze as Monty presses a kiss to his chest. He nuzzles his nose against his collarbone, a feeling of pure content blanketing him. “I really like it, too.”

~~~~~

Justin gets stopped so many times on the way out it takes him longer than it should to catch up with Alex. He chases him down the street, calling his name the entire way.

They make it to the park before Justin finally catches up with him. He grabs his arm, tugging him around to look at him. “Alex, _stop_.”

Alex whirls on him, expression a mix of emotions as he stands there. He just looks back at Justin, waiting for him to speak, to say something that could fix this, everything that they’ve ruined. He’s hurt, they both are, the only difference being Justin isn’t refusing to show it to the other. 

He doesn’t know how to fix it. He isn’t sure what to say, isn’t sure what Alex is feeling. He’d been so hurt when he hasn’t replied, had almost given up, but then he was there, _he’s here_ , and Justin doesn’t understand what he’s supposed to do, anymore.

“Alex, I’m sorry. I’ve fucked up so much and I don’t know what’s happening, but I’m sorry.” 

He isn’t sure what he’s apologizing for, because he thinks it’s the girl, and that doesn’t make sense. Alex doesn’t care about him like that, that isn’t the relationship between them, yet he knows the blonde’s hurt by it. He just, doesn’t know why.

But Alex’s expression finally changes. It morphs into a mix of anger and disbelief, and he rips his arm from Justin’s grip. “You’re sorry? Are you serious? I have spent this whole week wondering what the hell I did wrong, until I finally started figuring it out. Then you text me saying you love me, and I come after you to find you hooking up with some girl? What the fuck, Justin?”

Justin winces. “I—wait, figured what out?”

“That this is what you do,” Alex gestures. “You realise you might actually have something in your life that you care about and it’s too much so you just push it away. You don’t even _think_ for a second that what you’re doing affects the other person, too.”

It’s so accurate that, for a moment, all Justin can do is stand and stare at him in awe. Alex had realised what he was doing not long after he did, and he’d spent god knows how long suffering before that. 

Alex isn’t done, though. “Then I thought I was stupid for thinking that, that you did what you did because you cared about me. But you are stupid sometimes, so it made sense, because you’d been walking around moping as much as I was and I couldn’t do anything about it because I couldn’t figure out what the hell it is you want from me.”

Something in Justin breaks. “Alex,” he tries again. He wants to reach out, but his hands are shaking. “I don’t want anything. Well, I do, I just—I’m sorry. I know, I messed up, I know. I just, I got scared. I got so scared that you didn’t even feel the same way, but it scared me more thinking that maybe you did. That you’d want me, and all I would be able to do is disappoint you. I never want to hurt you, Alex, and I know I really fucked up on that, but you have to know I was just trying to protect you.”

He gives a dry laugh before continuing. “And it was so easy cause you fought back. But as soon as I was out the door I wanted to turn back and apologize. Then Zach spent the whole week looking at me like I was some kicked puppy and trying to get me to talk to you. Hannah and Jess were talking to me about you and telling me to fix it, that you felt the way, and I still didn’t believe it, because why would you? But I text you anyway and then you didn’t text back and this girl was there and I just, I wanted it to stop and I—”

He’s cut off by a pair of lips covering his own, and he stops. 

Alex is kissing him.

It’s gentle, but confident, lips pressed firmly against his own, and Justin takes a moment to respond. The second he does, Alex relaxes against him, hands coming up to rest around his neck. He settles his on the blonde’s waist, pulling him closer.

It’s perfect, their mouths molded together as if they were made to fit, Alex responding to his every touch, soft and pliant under his hold. 

When they pull apart, Alex rests their foreheads together and strokes his cheeks. “I finally found a way to shut you up.”

But he’s smiling, and so is Justin, and it’s enough for him to think maybe they’ll be alright. 

Later that night they’re back in Alex’s room, cuddled under the covers. Justin’s so happy to be back, in this room, this bed, with Alex safe and real in his arms. He’s lying with his head pillowed on Justin’s chest, tracing light patterns on his stomach, over his shirt. There’s a string of Christmas lights hung along the wall, casting a soft glow over them. He’d seen the tree on the way in, decorated delicately, lit up with the star set on top. 

Alex pulls away from him and he whines, trying to pull him back against him. The blonde laughs, squeezing his hands as he slips out of his hold. “Relax, I’m not even leaving the room.”

He doesn’t, but rather goes to his drawers, rifling through the top one until he finds what he’s looking for. He comes back to the bed, settling down next to Justin again. 

He holds the object out, a small box wrapped in Christmas paper. Justin looks between it and Alex, reaching out hesitantly. “You got me a gift?”

Alex nods, shoving it into his hands with a small smile. “I’ve had it for a while. Since before, everything.”

Justin takes it, trying to tear the paper off without looking too eager. Alex takes it from him once he has it off and he opens the box to find a key nestled inside. He glances up at Alex to see the blonde watching him closely, and takes it out of the box, turning it in his hand. 

“It’s a key to here,” he realises, voice quiet with shock. 

Alex nods. “I thought it would be a good idea, so you don’t have to climb through the window anymore. My parents agreed, so, don’t worry about them freaking out or being pissed, or anything.”

The jock stares at him, eyes wide and lips parted as he examines every inch of it. “Alex,” he chokes, “I can’t take this.”

“You can and you are,” Alex tells him. “Seriously. It’s yours.”

Justin looks up at him, gazing at him before he nods slightly, and pulls him back into his arms. Alex settles against him, pressing a soft kiss to his cheek. Justin holds him tighter. “I meant it, what I sent,” he says quietly. “I do love you, you know.”

Alex kisses his cheek again. “I know. I love you, too.”

His heart skips and he smiles. He presses a kiss to his temple, leaning down to whisper in his ear. “Merry Christmas, Standall.”

The other boy smiles back. “Merry Christmas, Justin.”


End file.
